I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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