Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
