Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
