i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
