omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
