I wish they made helmets for livers.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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