It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
