i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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