is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
