im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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