He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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