i think i have two assholes
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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