i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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