he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
