Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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