ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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