So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
