Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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