READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
