i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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