so explain again why im purple
no
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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