Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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