i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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