Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
