Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
