plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
