I cannot find my penis.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
