please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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