dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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