There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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