I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
