im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
