I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
