hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
