I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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