Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
me + whiskey = a bad person
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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