I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
