That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
