First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
