farters have to be the big spoon...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
