I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
