I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
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I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
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My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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