I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
