ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
