I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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