Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My Sexting was not on an AP level
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
