we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
