at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
