I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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