im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
