i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.