Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
