He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
