google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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