I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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