turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
whose parrot is this?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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