I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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