U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
