my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
